For the past few months, I've been searching my memories trying to pinpoint the exact period of time where I became insecure. What I realized is the process was gradual.
Seeds of insecurity were planted in my mind, nurtured, watered, rooted and blossomed into what I thought was a part of my personality.
Experiences with disappointment, discouragement and betrayal, all contributed to the slow evolution of insecurity in my life.
Insecurity is defined as uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence, the state of being open to danger or threat. The definition of insecurity is so profound to me because for years I viewed insecurity as weakness. I never allowed myself to acknowledge it because in hindsight, I was trying to avoid the shame I felt when dealing with it. I'd convinced myself that insecurity was a "basic bitch" trait and I'm not basic or a bitch so I obviously can't relate. All-the-while the weight of it was beating me down. I literally felt like I was dying inside, my spirit felt severely dehydrated.
Discouragement (a loss of confidence or enthusiasm; dispiritedness.) came to me as young as ten years old. I'd always quit extracurricular activities when any form of challenge presented itself to me. I never understood why until I began my journey of healing as an adult. Insecurity convinced me that I couldn't overcome the challenge of perfecting/practicing each activity. Anxiety and uncertainty about whether or not I could do it weighed so heavily on me, it always felt like a huge relief to quit. On the flip side, some of the activities I'd actually stuck with were fueled by discouragement. I didn't want to go home so I tried to make myself as busy as possible so that when I was home, all I had to do was chores, shower and sleep.
I have overcome and continue to overcome insecurity by beating it over the head with confidence. For an example, now that I've had a child it's easy to look in the mirror and pick my body apart. However, I counter those thoughts by saying, I'm so grateful to my body for doing what she had to do to bring a beautiful healthy baby into this world.
You have to fight insecurity with affirmations and confidence. You have to literally practice being confident. Soon, confidence will be natural to you. Continue to bloom.