Self-sabotage is defined as “diminishing your own success regardless of your own wishes, aspirations or values." It is commonly associated with low self-esteem and negative self-talk. Low self-esteem is the lack in confidence in one’s self or abilities. Negative self-talk refers to thoughts or talk directed to one’s self. A person who self-sabotages is typically overly critical of themselves. In other words their relationship with themselves is actually #toxic. Most people would end a friendship or romantic partnership if the other person constantly verbally abused them. It’s astonishing that some individuals won’t refrain from treating themselves this way. They’ve become so accustomed to the low self-esteem and negative self-talk, they think it’s normal. Often time’s people accept this as a part of their personality. Saying things like, I’m a #perfectionist, I’m very self-critical but it makes me more productive. I'm guilty of this.
My experience with self-sabotage had me in a mind state of resentment. I was struggling with feeling resentful toward my husband and I prayed for God to highlight a path for me to overcome resentment. After praying and journaling multiple times, I finally realized I resented myself. I was disappointed with myself and had been projecting those feelings on my husband. People typically project their self-directed thoughts and feelings on to the people closest to them. It happens subconsciously because they know that those people will put up with it. Of course I had to apologize to my husband. However, the best apology is changed behavior. So, I had to really deal with ME. I had to sit in my emotions towards myself and figure out the root of each thought. When I say sit in my emotions, I mean I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings while giving myself grace for feeling so badly about myself.
I’d become so accustomed to self-sabotaging I felt justified in my actions. When my husband and I began dating, I had already planned to move to Atlanta, GA once I graduated college. Coming up on the end of my bachelor’s degree is when my husband and I decided to commit to each other. He understood that I was moving out of state. He stated that he wanted to stay near his support system a little while longer and move out of state in a few years. I felt like the relationship was worth rearranging my plans, after all, he is THE ONE. So, I DECIDED to stay as opposed to having a long distance relationship. He never asked me to stay, he never said he’d break up with me if I left. He never tried to sway my decision about my future. I DECIDED to stay. After a few years still in our home town, resentment seeped in because things didn’t pan out exactly the way I'd planned. Everything was still great, of course we had the typical growing pains of any relationship. However, things weren’t going the way I planned and I began to tell myself it was all his fault. In reality, life happened and instead of going with the flow I tried to maintain a certain level of control failing to realize my life is in God’s hands.
I battled with feeling resentful for a few years before I could even place a label on the emotion. My aha moment was my thirtieth birthday. My husband planned a beautiful weekend for me. We went out to dinner, to a botanical garden and then the casino. Everything was so beautiful and well thought out but I just wasn’t happy. I wanted to go to Thailand but Covid-19 put a wrench in everyone’s travel plans. My husband tried his best to make the weekend special but as much as I wanted to be happy, I just wasn’t.
After taking a moment to myself to sit with the array of emotions I was feeling. I realized overall, I was disappointed with myself. I hadn’t accomplished all of the goals I set out to accomplish by the age of thirty. One thing I’ve learned about myself through my healing journey is, I feel most insecure when I’m not giving myself and the people I love, my best. My best would be accomplishing my goals and walking in my power as a woman. However, my response to past trauma was to shrink myself. I did not want to be noticed when I walked into a room because in the past it always brought unsolicited drama. But, no matter how much I tried not to be noticed, I am still noticed. No matter how much I tried not to take the lead, I'm a leader. I'd lost a sense of hopefulness about career advancement and entrepreneurship because I’d been disappointed by rejection. So, as much I wanted to accomplish certain goals, I was afraid to. I simply didn’t want to be disappointed again so I subconsciously sabotaged myself.
I realize that in order to accomplish my goals I need discipline, consistency, commitment to the task, and accountability. Discipline to get things done even when I don’t feel like. Consistency to tackle the small tasks that allow me to accomplish the overall goal. Commitment to the tasks to continue executing goals even in times of discouragement and insecurity. Self accountability to understand that I have to deal with the decisions I make.
No one is responsible for me but me. No one is responsible for my happiness except me.
My life is and will be a reflection of my discipline, consistency and commitment or lack there of.
Once I acknowledged these things about myself, I began to set #smallgoals to get myself in the habit of being productive and consistent in moving forward towards my goals. I realized that every time I found a sense of focus, I felt drained and overwhelmed. I realized that #fear was kicking in but rather than feeding fear and sabotaging myself; I began to challenge those fearful thoughts. I simply asked myself, what are you afraid of? The answer would almost always be, nothing. Every possible outcome of any given situation can be overcome.
Things we can do to help alleviate self sabotage are; make a to do list, give yourself deadlines, wake up earlier, read more and be mindful of what you consume. Consumption can be food, drinks, music or different forms of entertainment. Make sure that the to do list is non negotiable. Don't allow yourself to fall into the habit of making excuses. Also, affirm yourself daily. When the negative self talk begins to kick in, speak a positive affirmation over yourself that counters the negative thought attempting to occupy space in your mind. Here are some examples of what this looks like. The thought is, I’m so lazy, I don’t feel like doing anything. Replace it with, I’m becoming more and more productive everyday. The thought is, ugh look at all my stretch marks and sagging belly. Replace it with, I'm so grateful my body was able to do what needed to be done in order to bring a healthy baby into this world. If your belly is sagging purely from weight gain say, I'm grateful for this body carrying me through this point in my life. You can then do things to better yourself like work out and eat healthier meals but do it from a place of self love instead of self hate.
You deserve unconditional love. Give it to yourself and allow it to over flow to others. Continue to bloom.