What is a Narcissist?
The Mayo Clinic defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.”
My observation is that narcissists tend to idolize themselves and expect others to do the same.
When I first encountered the term "narcissist," I was engulfed in my own pain and unprocessed trauma. In that state, I mistakenly believed that the person trying to protect me was the narcissist, while the individual I confided in appeared to be a safe harbor. Had I trusted my discernment and not elevated this person to an idol, I would have recognized the true nature of the roles we played. By following my intuition, I could have spared myself considerable time and heartache.
Over the years, I have witnessed the term "narcissist" become oversaturated in our social culture. I have also observed that many unhealed individuals, myself included, exhibit narcissistic traits. It is crucial to distinguish between having narcissistic traits and possessing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the latter of which poses significant danger to its victims. According to Psychology Today, an individual exhibiting five or more of the following traits can be classified as a narcissist:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement to special treatment
- Exploitation of others
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
- Arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes
Having narcissistic traits typically means displaying one or two of these characteristics.
This underscores the importance of healing. At some point, we have all been emotionally intoxicated and felt entitled—overwhelmed by arrogance or self-righteousness. The Bible advises, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8 NIV). It also cautions, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27 NIV).
Often, teachers and preachers reference the scripture about maintaining a sober mind to condemn those who indulge in alcohol. However, it also speaks to the necessity of remaining clear-headed and exercising self-control when we are overwhelmed by emotions, particularly anger. Through therapy, I have learned that anger is not inherently negative; it is a secondary emotion that requires exploration to uncover its true source. When I feel anger, it often stems from feelings of hurt, frustration, disrespect, offense, or disappointment—emotions that need processing. Unprocessed emotions can open the door for anger to manifest. It is perfectly acceptable to feel anger, but it is not acceptable to be intoxicated by it or any other emotion.
The Lord’s Prayer reminds us, “Forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE TRESPASSED AGAINST US.” The key to receiving forgiveness from God lies in our willingness to forgive others. Forgiveness serves as the antidote to our emotional intoxication. If we continue to operate from a place of emotional turmoil, we grant the enemy legal rights to influence our actions, leading to the manifestation of narcissistic traits in our daily lives.
After encountering a true narcissist, I came to the realization that I could only blame myself. I ignored all the warning signs; my spirit was unsettled, my body was in disarray, and I found myself feeling insecure, jealous, and envious of women who chose not to settle. These characteristics were not reflective of my true self, but in my desperation to maintain an idolized image, I operated in a profound state of cognitive dissonance. My loved ones urged me to recognize my worth, and deep down, I knew I deserved better, yet I struggled to believe it.
Our relationships are mirrors reflecting our beliefs about ourselves. Regardless of how well we present ourselves, narcissists can sense our brokenness; they know who they can manipulate and who they cannot. It is essential to heal so that we do not become ensnared. Narcissists often isolate their victims from loved ones, whether overtly or covertly, employing intense gaslighting and manipulation. Simultaneously, they surround you with a network of individuals who can be easily swayed against you—these individuals are referred to as "flying monkeys" in psychological discourse.
Spiritually, the narcissistic dynamic often embodies the energies of the Jezebel and Ahab spirits. The Jezebel spirit represents jealousy, envy, rebellion, manipulation, and control, while the Ahab spirit embodies passivity, conformity, cowardice, and brokenness. The Ahab spirit typically seeks out individuals in leadership roles, while the Jezebel spirit aims to be close to these leaders, striving to influence their behavior consistently. Importantly, these spirits can manifest in any gender; a man can embody a Jezebel spirit, and a woman can embody an Ahab spirit, or vice versa.
If you find yourself a victim of a narcissist, you may have been cast in the role of scapegoat within this toxic structure. The scapegoat is often labeled as mentally unstable, delusional, dishonest, or even a narcissist for simply revealing the truth of this deeply troubling dynamic.
“In the process of removing toxic people from your life, do not give in to guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about! You’re not cutting off that person, you’re cutting off the toxic behavior they’re currently operating in. You’re cutting off a toxic and painful cycle. Disassociate the individual from the addiction or abuse and the process of cutting off will be placed into proper perspective. This is a form of self-care, nothing to feel guilty about.”
-A very wise therapist
During the process of cutting off, I realized the number of negative emotions and memories I’d suppressed, along with my dignity and self-respect. I had convinced myself that I had a high sense of self respect but my actions failed to reflect my moral compass. However this experience brought out so many epiphanies and I realized that when you respect yourself, you don’t allow people to treat you any kind of way. This statement seems like a no brainer however, when you are dealing with spiritual things from a carnal perspective, you tend to lose a fixed fight. YOU turn off your discernment and unknowingly make the narcissists in your life an idol. An idol is anything or anyone you place above your obedience to God. An idol can only lead you to disappointment and some form of death.
As an adult child of teen parents who came from broken homes, I’ve struggled with insecurity, perfectionism, over thinking, depression, lack of healthy boundaries, second guessing myself, being overly sensitive, hyper-vigilance, constantly expecting the worse and feeling selfish for choosing to do what’s best for me. My brokenness attracted narcissistic people to me in various forms of relationship. I don’t blame my parents for my pain anymore, they were kids trying to figure things out. They’ve evolved
as individuals. I can accept that. It is my responsibility to heal and make better choices. I admonish you to do the same.
Tips for Overcoming Narcissist Abuse
Journal: Analyze your thoughts. An example of this would be sitting still for 3 mins and writing down every random thought that comes to your mind in that moment of stillness. Then analyze the thoughts.
Identify your emotions and where they stem from. An example of this would be asking yourself “how do I feel?” Google an emotion wheel, look up the definitions of each emotions until you find what resonates with what you feel.
Feel it and let it pass.
Fast: Give up something you love for a day, week or month such as certain foods, social media, certain drinks, certain activities etc. Be intentional about making time to pray and meditate on scripture. You can start with five minutes a day.
Pray: Start by thanking God, then repent. Repentance is not simply telling God you’re sorry. Repentance is truly turning from the sin you’re apologizing for. An apology without changed behavior is manipulation, you can’t manipulate God. If you’re not confident that you can sincerely turn from the sin, acknowledge this shortcoming in your prayer. Identify your brokenness. God is a gentleman, He doesn’t force himself on us. We have to invite him into our situations and decisions. Be real. God can’t heal what you don’t reveal. Surrender it all in prayer. The good the bad and the ugly, He can handle it. Even if you feel angry with God, you can divulge that to Him in prayer. He can handle your emotions. If you’ ve entered into a Narcissistic pattern, chances are you’ve participated in your own suffering by making the narcissist an idol. This acknowledgement does not negate the fact this person victimized you. Self accountability is apart of self love. If you fail to identify the role you played, you’ll repeat this experience with a different person.
Prayer is a conversation. God speaks to all of us in different ways. It’s up to us to perceive the message. God speaks to us audibly, some of us have a knowing, others get a gut feeling. Some of us see God through numbers, music, images and dreams. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you how God speaks to you specifically.
Also ask God to open your spiritual eyes to see the hearts of the people around you. Don’t say this prayer until you are truly ready to do what’s necessary once the truth is revealed. I must warn you, this revelation is painful but worth it. Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to navigate this season of your life. Be obedient to what He says.
Forgive them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. When we reflect on how a narcissist and they’re network treated us, it can be really painfully and enraging. Forgiveness is important. Spiritually, unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping that the person who wronged you dies. Also, you block your blessings from God because you’ve hardened your heart. Forgiveness is not easy. Initially you have to work at it, overtime it becomes easier to do. Keep in mind, forgiveness is not simply a verbal acknowledgement. Forgiveness is your heart posture towards the people who wronged you.
Implement and enforce boundaries.
Forgive yourself: Self forgiveness is extremely imperative! Please free yourself from the shame, guilt, self gaslighting and isolation by forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for the things you did, said and accepted. Meditate on the affirmation, I am worthy.
Allow yourself to sit in the discomfort of happiness, boldness and security-
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
Another translation says,
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
Once you do all of this, you’re going to feel a sense of joy and peace like never before. Keep in mind, this process will look and feel very messy. Trust that are not falling apart, they are falling in place. Initially it will feel foreign to you. It’ll make you uncomfortable because you’ve become accustomed to negative things happening to you. You’ve taught yourself not to get comfortable in happiness because you’re tired of the devastation that typically comes after that high. You are now living outside of a toxic reality so this cycle is broken! At this point, feel that happiness, embrace it, love it, expect it and constantly remind yourself that YOU ARE WORTHY. Good things are SUPPOSED to happen to you.
You’ve been gaslit long enough. Own your testimony, the good, the bad and the ugly. Walk boldly and continue to bloom.
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